- Seriously, skunk? You’re going to live under my storage shed now? Wasn’t my chasing you around the yard with my car enough to drive you out?
- Oh, Verizon. You don’t like that I cancelled my DSL because you couldn’t deliver more speed, so you’ve taken to giving me shit landline service. Don’t be smug. After three service disruptions this year, I’m close to buying an Ooma Telo.
- What a horrible time of the year to be raising grass. Despite my efforts to rope off (from renegade neighbor kids and idiot driveway users) and water the National Fuel repaired front lawn, it looks like crap. However, the fact that most of my neighbors have done nothing to facilitate growth makes me wonder why I bother.
- Hello Pittsburgh. Can you please turn down the humidity while I’m visiting my nephews so we don’t have to spend so much time indoors? There are things to be done outside.
- Thanks PNC for reminding me you’re part of the problem. You finally realized the terms of my Home Equity Line of Credit weren’t so favorable, so you’re ending our relationship. I did note that I can reapply for a new HELOC, though, with a fabulous new rape-rate.
- Ahh yes, a cold beer on the front porch after a long, sweaty, frustrating night at work. Wait, is that Rancid Pizza and Wing Shop odor? And Angry Neighbor Lady shuffling by the porch smoking? And idiot drivers? Now mosquitoes? Fuck this, I can drink indoors.